it’s a twin thing, etc…

Dear Doc,

Since I was small, I’ve felt as though I have a twin. I think I mentioned it, last visit. It’s just that there has always been something missing, and I am at a loss to imagine what it could be.

When I was almost 18, I believe, my real mother and I reconciled. She was telling me that she and my father were very excited that she’d become pregnant so soon after losing twins. I thought that I must be right…perhaps one twin was still there, somehow. Or, perhaps, I was one of the twins and just never left. I asked Mom about it the last time I saw her and she said that both twins were accounted for after the miscarriage and that she’d had a D&C, I believe, so that there is no possibility of any sort of genetic entanglement, were there such a thing.

So, here I sit, wondering how I could be stupid enough to think that some part of me exists in a twin I’ve never met. For years, I suspected that I was actually a twin and had absorbed the other one. THAT does happen. I wish I could meet a twin absorber and pick their brain for a bit… CRAIGSLIST!!!!!  😉

When we were young, my youngest half brother told me that he felt as though he were missing a piece inside. He was probably about 8. He even showed me where the empty spot was. His empty spot was near his heart. He’s now a raving lunatic. You say that won’t happen to me. My friend says the same. I suppose I’d just feel comfy with some real assurances. I don’t think I’m cut out to live like he does. I’d rather die. I don’t know how he’s still around with as many attempts as he’s made not to be. I remember the last time he slit his wrists. It was disgusting. There was this new cop throwing up in Mom’s front yard from the sight of all the blood. All I cared about was cleaning up the scene of the attempt before my mother saw it. Mothers shouldn’t have to see those things.

This lithium is really helping a lot, Doc. It makes me feel more…bright. I can focus and stay on a task for more than five minutes. I still can’t remember, off the top of my head, what all I did yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn’t recall what I did the day before that. But I can during normal conversation. Mostly. lol! It’s amazing, this gift of clarity. I pray that this is ‘my’ med and you don’t want to keep adding or changing things. I’m still having extreme anxiety and panic. But, everything else is better.

Oh…I’ve even been driving the speed limit. That’s just not me at all. But, I don’t have that urge to thrill seek. I haven’t gone over a hundred in a week now. I wanted to a little bit, but it wasn’t an irresistible urge. I like that. Irresistible urges tend to get ya into trouble. Also, there’s this cop that I am pretty certain has it out for me. Not…stalkery ‘has it out’, but he would not mind busting me for speeding. I know, it’s breaking the law, but there are hardly any people on these old roads and I don’t see the point in making the few that are here abide by arbitrary laws. Just sayin…

Well, I’m gonna wrap this up. I hope you’re having a pleasant Sunday, Doc. 🙂























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