a lil bitch & moan before bed…

Dear Doc,

It’s a quiet night here, in Mayberry. I’m so tired. I mean…to the bone. but I can’t get to sleep. My brain hurts from the rushes of thoughts that pound away at it like waves to the shore. I just want it to stop.

I was looking at other blogs here, all written by bipolar people. They all seem to have a real point of view that I lack. I’m not trying to educate anyone. I guess my blog is about what daily life is like when you’re a fucking nut. Even so, I wish I had a tiny bit of what they all have to offer, but I’m all out of creativity and all I want is for this to stop. Yes, I am still indignant. How very perceptive of you…Maybe if I just say, “I’m what I’d call nuts, and that’s ok!”, then I’d be okay with it. Unfortunately, I am exactly what I’d call nuts, were it anyone else, and I am not okay with it. I want a fucking do over and I want it now.

I’ve been through all of this before, but I didn’t know anything was really wrong, except that I was a total failure. I guess that having these labels to put on things makes me feel like I HAVE to face them RIGHT NOW. That’s how I’ve always been. I think I’m going to stop that. I have to, or  I don’t think I’m going to get better. Ever.

You know what, though…I’m learning to take all these time limits off of everything I do. That’s something I’ve always done, but it’s been worse since Bennie died. So, I just stopped. I have a house full of boxes to unload and clothes to put away, but they’ll be there when I wake up. If I ever get to sleep lol I noticed it today, actually. I took a deep breath and relaxed. Then it dawned on me what had just happened. It felt weird. But so good. So, I guess things really aren’t that bad.

I guess I’ll have a couple of smokes and, at least, lie down and get some rest.

Peace out, Boy Scout!  🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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