hocus pocus

Dear Doc,

It’s getting late. This has been quite the day. I am not sure what’s going on with me, but it’s not good. I’m out of withdrawals, having taken a couple of Zoloft today. But I’m still very dizzy and nauseous…blurry vision…feeling like I might pass out. I was feeling better earlier and drove to town to get cigarettes and a sandwich. Big mistake. I almost didn’t make it home. I blanked out for about five miles; totally lost any concept of where I was, though I did know I was trying to get home. I finally passed a sign that sort of snapped me out of it and I made it home ok. I’ve also been hallucinating all day. Snakes, dogs, people.

I don’t know what the Hell is going on, but it wasn’t happening before Lithium. I’m not taking it anymore. I’m not going to end up like my brother. All that I needed was a pill for panic. That’s it. Now, I’m diagnosed with all this scary ass shit and my life is upside down in terms of how I see both my past and my future. Seriously. Before Lithium, I saw big black bugs that were obviously not real in any way, and that was only when I was stressed beyond stress. This shit I saw today, while I wasn’t afraid because I knew I was hallucinating, was very realistic. All I could think about what that I’ve fucked up my brain chemistry with ‘just a lil salt’, as you put it, and now I’m on a different road. If you think I’m going to stay on this road…please understand why I cannot.


The above link should help you understand, since I have most of those symptoms. They are almost identical to withdrawal symptoms, except that it is impossible for me to be in withdrawal at this time. I’m really scared, Doc. I’m alone and can’t get anyone on the phone. I live in the fucking boondocks. Yeah…I’m scared. I feel fine for a few minutes, then back to this. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I really needs some help. Shit. I don’t know what to do. But I do know that it’ll be a cold day in Hell’s bloody belly before I take more Lithium.

You must think me a most ungrateful patient. I’m not. I still think you’re kind and smart and compassionate. But you need to listen to me. Don’t tell me that it hasn’t had time to work. If it weren’t interacting with my brain chemistry at this very moment, I wouldn’t be hallucinating. And I wouldn’t be worried about having a seizure. So…I’ll be talking to ya on Monday. I hope you’re not disappointed. I am. I truly believed this was the answer. Trust me, it isn’t.









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