Thank you for understanding about the lithium. I do think that an increased dose of Abilify might do the trick. Although, I’m still unclear about what ‘the trick’ is. I remember you saying that ‘happy’ is not the goal; mood stability is the goal. So, does that mean that it’s better to be full-time depressed, or full-time manic? What if I do accidentally stumble across ‘happy’? Will it stay? Can I capture it like one of those lil monsters in that weird game? I’m honestly curious.
The new meds are making me feel as though I have the flu. That’s still a huge improvement on the lithium, which made me feel as though I were going to actually die. But, when I first take this, I can feel my brain reacting to it. Literally. I don’t think it likes it. And I don’t like that feeling.
I keep telling myself that this is all for the best. But, is it? Really? Am I so fucked up that totally blacking out my personality is an improvement? Yes, I realize that I came to you. You did not seek me out. Even so, I never dreamed so much would surface about my life. It just shook me up. And, I still feel shaken. You opened a Pandora’s Box and I cannot seem to close it. I don’t want these memories. That’s the main thing. I wish you could erase them without erasing me. I think I’ve pain a high enough price, now I have to give up myself? Shit. That’s so unfair. What about the others? I want to know they’re burning in Hell now. I do. And I know that’s horrible. But they deserve it.
Do you think I’d be like this, anyway, Doc? You said the bipolar stuff is genetic, and the rest is the result of childhood trauma. Sooooo…really? I wonder. I just can’t help but think that maybe this is just me and I’m supposed to be this way. Except for the crying part. That’s just embarrassing. I have to figure this out for myself. I’ve never been so confused in my life. Now, I’m taking this medicine with no real idea of what is going to come of it. If I could just get over the panic, I’d be fine, Doc. I mean…I just need to get over that. I wish you understood that. I’m sure you do, and I know you mean well. You aren’t a stupid man, so I know that you probably know what’s best. But, still…I feel so…I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Never has. Why should this be any different?