memories in the key of FU

Dear Doc,

I fell asleep in my chair, again. I know sleep is a thing with you, but I just can’t hack it all the time. Sleep is a thing with me, too, you see.

I took your ‘nightmare’ pills night before last, and I’m pretty sure they almost killed me. I’ve never felt like that before. They don’t work, anyway, and I was just giving them a last shot. If they did work, I’d take them, no matter the side effects. I’m tired of living the dead life in my dreams. The more I study certain things, the less certain I become that I’m even dreaming, at all. This is a vast and mysterious world, Doc. You can’t label everything. Sometimes, things you would love to believe are creations of a disturbed mind are not what they seem. Sometimes, those things are real and no pill is going to make them go away. It just won’t. I’d even venture to say that God wants us to see certain things. They remind us of where we came from and what the stakes are. Just a thought…

I’m sounding like my brother, Captain Crazy. He’s really giving Mom Hell lately. He’s still in Austin, though. I’m happy about that, as I am certain that he is a danger to her. But, my brother knows things, Doc. As crazy as he is, he is tuned in to something that is fantastical and hugely present in this world. I’d say he’s given himself over to it; something I’d never do. He is a legacy, though. We all are. The difference between the Captain, me and my other brother, is that my other brother and I won’t give in. It’s a difficult thing to shake. It is the start of all of my misery. Even so, it’s like there is something in my DNA that draws me to it. I don’t have any intention of ending up on the wrong side of Heaven, as it were. I know that, whatever the Big Fantastical may be, Almighty God is stronger.

I’m just talking out of my head right now, I suppose. The hour is late/early, and I feel very…out of sorts. I need a shower, but I swore that, the next shower I took, would be in my newly painted and decorated bathroom. That was two days ago. OMG. Why am I stubborn like this? It’s ridiculous. But, I still want to wait. Good grief, I’m disgusting… Been this exact way as long as I can remember. If it’s not what I want, I don’t want it, no matter the cost to myself. The good news is that the bathroom will be done by early afternoon. lol! Sonofabitch…I hate myself. I also hate the number of times I use the word ‘I’ in these posts. How fucking self centered can you be? Seriously.

My cousin, A, is trying to stir up shit in the family. She’s always trying to. She loves drama. She’s the type of person who can’t let things go. I will say that the Big Fantastical did require much more from she and her sister, when we were kids, than anyone else. Nobody could stop it. Nobody. You think that people are all out for the best interest of children and/or those who are less fortunate. That’s a lie. It always has been. People are out for themselves, Doc. They don’t give a solid fuck about anyone else. Especially if it costs them something. And I’m not talking about money. Most anyone will throw money at a problem, but it’s rare when someone is willing to throw themselves on the grenade.

I wonder, at times, if I’m going to pay for the things I’ve done. It feels like I should be paid up. I don’t think anything I’ve done is even in the same ballpark as those who went before me, Doc. But, I’ve not been the best Christian. I try and try, but I can’t let certain things go. I don’t want to die like my grandmother did. On the night He came to get her, she was seeing things dancing around her that terrified her. She knew it was time and she didn’t want to go with them. She was taken, anyway. I don’t want that to happen to me and I’m scared it will because I just can’t stop these stupid things I do. Shit.

I was thinking of my childhood friend, S. I had a dream that she’d died. It was horrible. I miss her so much, as it is. If S has gone, I don’t know what I’d do. Just knowing she’s in the world means so much, Doc. She’s the only one who knows. I gave her up after Bennie tried to sleep with her. She knocked the living shit out of him, and she told me what happened. I gave her up because the situation was so uncomfortable and I was pregnant with our oldest son then. I gave up everything for Bennie. Every fucking thing that ever meant a thing to me. I still feel him looking over my shoulder, as though he knows any more about life than I do. I am starting to fucking hate him, Doc. Maybe I’m through grieving and I can look at him as he was, again. I don’t know. Fuck him. In the neck in the pouring fucking rain. That’s what. I feel like taking that picture off the wall and using it for target practice. I should’ve used him for target practice when he was alive. So he could understand what he did. Just to show him, plainly, how he made me feel. He’s only the second person I’ve ever really considered killing in my entire life. The first was my grandmother. I wanted to cut her throat and give her a nice Colombian necktie. Yes, Doc. I did. And, had I, I’d have been out of kid prison in plenty of time to have a great life. Only, I’d live knowing I finally stood up to her in a real fucking way.

You know that’s the reason my mother and I are mother and daughter again, right, Doc? My grandmother was so afraid I was going to kill her that she kept calling my mother to tell her to ‘do something with her daughter’. Oh, sure…take me from my mother, but give me back when you think your life’s in danger. Please…give me a break. If I’d ever wanted to kill that bitch, it would’ve been done with a quickness. I hated her then, I hate her now.

My mother. There’s a subject I’m conflicted about. She’s now my best friend and I love her more than anything. But, the other side of that coin is that I’m starting to believe that I wasn’t ‘taken’ as much as I was ‘given’. And I think there was a reason for it. If I explained it all, you’d have me put away, Doc, so I’ll save the dirty parts. Suffice to say that this whole expedition into my psyche has got me seriously shaken, as I told you before. It’s like the web my ceiling spider made. It’s gotten very large, and I do enjoy watching it go about its business of living up there, far away from me. However, there are times when it looks as though the whole thing is about to fall down, taking my spider with it. That’s exactly how I feel inside since I met you. I feel like, one more revalation, and I’m fucked for life. I thouroughly understand why you don’t want to ‘put me through’ an intense recall situation. You think I’ll implode, don’t you? Well, Doc, it’s already happening, but I think I can control it, as it stands. Any more, and I’m honestly not sure. I’m already barely here. I haven’t been fully present in this life since I was a child, whatever the Hell that is.

I am sure there’s a reason…a purpose…for everything I’ve lived through, but I just can’t figure out what it is. I am grateful that I made it, because so many others don’t. I worry about them. So many people in this world who truly do have it worse than me, and always have. I wish I could make it better for all of them. I feel so guilty for ending up with a decent life when they are still struggling so. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. But you can’t fix things for everyone. You just can’t, Doc. I’ve tried, during the course of my life, to fix things for a lot of different people. In the end, it was always a waste of time and money. Once the Big Fantastical turns its attention to someone, nobody can help them. Goddamnit. It just make me want to scream! The evil in this world never takes a break. Not even for a second.

I’d better go, Doc. I’m sorry for rambling. I just have so much to say, yet I have nothing of real consequence to discuss. I don’t know how to explain it. I ramble on and on lately, like one of those old ladies who talk to themselves. OMG…I’m the white Miss Mary. That’s about right. I wonder what happened to her…Last I saw her, she was yelling at her invisible invisible and I was afraid to stop and give her a ride. She looked beautiful, as always, though. I love how Miss Mary dressed. You should see her, Doc. Always in her Sunday best. I’m now sure you’d appreciate it. I know you’re a Southern man, but you are polluted by higher education and that often leads to a certain blindness, I’ve found. But, if you could see her, you would see a crazy lady. You’d also see the most beautiful lady you ever saw. You’d see the finest clothes and the most perfect makeup and hair and nails and you’d wonder at this vision. Then, she’d start yelling at you and you’d zero right back in on reality. Miss Mary is a roller coaster, that’s for sure, and she takes you along for a ride, if you stop rushing long enough. She’ll also backhand the shit out of you while you’re driving, but that’s a story for another time…

Happy Saturday, Doc 🙂

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