love removal machine…la la la…

Dear Doc,

I’m useless today. I fell asleep in the chair, again. I don’t feel as bad as I normally do when I sleep without my cpap, though. Unfortunately, I can’t tell if I started out asleep in the chair, or ended up there, as I was sitting up in the chair when I woke up this morning. And, no, I have no recollection of what I did after ten last night, aside from talking to my friend on Messenger. I’m pretty sure it was last night.

The Abilify is giving me these prickly bumps on my arms and inner thighs, and on parts of my lower legs. They aren’t noticeable to the eye, but they are very noticeable to the thtouch. Just what a single woman wants! Go me! I have weird bumps! Silver lining: I’m not on lithium.

Love has been on my mind lately. A lot. I’d assumed that it was a given that I’d never be in love, or be loved, again. I think that was due to the grief I felt where Bennie was/is concerned. The meds seem to have quieted that, to a significant degree. I still miss him and I still love him, but I don’t allow his memory to consume me any longer. I’ve also gotten beyond the euphoric memory stage. When I remember him now, I remember him as he truly was, not in some idealized way. I’m still so angry about the Jenny situation that I cannot see straight. I look at his picture on the wall and I realize that I haven’t known who the Hell he is in years. She’s right; she knew more about him and our marriage than I did. I’d still like to choke her silly ass. What a fucking bitch. How do you tell a grieving wife that you, in the course of fucking her husband behind her back, knew him better than she did? I hate her. I honestly do. However, he was the one who was married. The blame lies with him, no matter how much I despise that trifling cunt.

Wow! See? Another rant, Doc. I just keep on yammering away and I don’t know why. One thing leads into the next and the next. No focus. As far as love goes, I don’t know if I am ever going to be ready to pay the price for it, again. When you’re IN love, its worth to you is incalculable. When it’s over, you know exactly how much it cost you. That’s the part I cannot handle. Death took Bennie. I can accept that. But, were I to find love again, and he stopped loving me…I can’t deal with that. Not ever again. I recall, clearly, when Bennie stopped loving me. I thought I’d die…that my world would implode. I have never known pain like that, before or since. I have no intention of knowing such pain ever again. I suppose I just answered my own question regarding whether, or not, I’ll be in love again…

As an alternative to love, I’ve been considering taking on a slave. There are a couple of candidates who have contacted me and I can’t say that I’m not tempted. It would be nice to have someone to care for…to fuss over. The upside is that I could never love a slave in the way a woman loves her man. Not in a million years. Seriously. The downside is that both candidates are twenty years my junior and I’m very uncomfy with that. I don’t ever want to be the one who caused someone else to miss out on a life they might have had, or who causes them to look back, at my age, thinking they wasted everything on someone like me. I do think that men that age will, ultimately, want a wife and children. I would hate for them to waste time for the sake of a life of chastity and servitude to someone who won’t love them as they should be loved. I’d also planned to leave that all behind me. But, it’s what I know and you know what they say, Doc, ‘The Devil you know is better than the Angel you don’t…’

I was thinking of Mom’s offer to rent an apartment for me, down on the coast. I miss her so much, but I don’t think I could live there again. The noise and the people…it’s too much. After a short time visiting, I have to leave because I can’t take it anymore. I guess I still feel a bit lost here in Mayberry, even though I consider this my home now. It really is lovely, with the trees and such. Nature. The night is intoxicating here, with the sheer opacity of the darkness. Without the moon, you can’t see your hand in front of your face. And, it feels as though something is always watching you, in the nighttime…some little creature, peering through your windows, waiting and wondering just what you are doing here. There are other times when it feels as though something much greater is doing the observation. Those can be frightening times. Were it not for a gun to protect me, I’d lose my mind on nights like that. There is just so much life here that it takes your breath away. While I do miss my pelicans, I think my place is here with the crows and the mysterious things.

I should go, Doc. I have things to do that I’ve put off all day. It’s my son’s birthday. I’m so happy he’s here with me. I do have much to be thankful for when I think about it. Some days, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I think today is one of those days.

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