Things are getting different and I’m not sure what to do, or if I can do anything. I feel afraid and lost. I know I’m not unique, but I am alone and my world is very small. Sometimes, I worry that it’s going to grow so small that no one at all can fit into my lil world. At times, that’s frightening…other times, it’s a relief.
My affect is still very off. This was last evidenced by a woman who said she was going to punch me in the face. Needless to say, her words did not provoke the fear response she felt they should have. Honestly, she was unarmed…I can’t get it up for that. I sat there, watching her tirade, with what I felt was a pleasant smile on my face. This was a constant source of agitation to the woman, so the situation escalated. I didn’t have to go through with what I planned to do to her, as she finally freaked out and revealed her hand; She was jealous and enraged that a certain man ‘lights up when you come in the room and I’m tired of feeling like a second class citizen!’. I assured her that, having no class whatsoever, it was impossible for her to be a second class anything. I know…gas on a fire…I get that…now.
In any case, it’s not just my vacant emotional response that’s getting worse. It’s that the voices I hear, sometimes, are changing. I hear a woman’s voice now, along with the others. And, when I was lying in bed with a friend the other night, he said something, and I heard it as my late husband’s voice. And there are hallucinations. I’ve always had them as a stress response, but these are different and frightening.
I can’t help but wonder why I’ve gotten worse since I first began seeing you. I think there is only one answer…Meds. In fact, abilify can cause hallucinations. I simply do not understand why I was prescribed that drug. I hope you understand that I have no intention of taking it. I may tell you I am, but I hope you get it when you realize I’m not. Because I’m going to get better and I’m going to do it naturally. I will find a real medicine man. In fact, I know a shaman and I will consult with him. I’m so angry at you, Doc. You can’t just throw a diagnosis, or four, on someone and then scribble out the name of some medication and expect everyone to be ok with it. People are individuals, Doc. You can’t paint us all with the same brush.
I recall how disappointed you were about the lithium. I remember how you told me that I couldn’t feel it that early on. But, if you put a foreign substance into a human body, their body is forced to process it, so it’s a ridiculous imagination to think that the person would not ‘feel’ one drug, or another, as it is in that person’s bloodstream for the whole ride. It made me feel so stupid when you said that. It was as though you thought I was lying. I assure you, I was not. Perhaps if your grandmother had filled you full of Valium and speed and pain medication since you were a small child, you’d have a hard time processing meds, too.
Another thing: You promised we didn’t have to do any gut wrenching therapy. But, you said we’re going to talk about dreams when next we meet. You do realize that those dreams are pretty fucking gut wrenching, right? I don’t know if I can sit on that couch and go over my dreams. I did start keeping a dream journal. It’s full of fairly sick shit that I decided not to post. I like to post my thoughts here. I think that my opinion counts. Some else’s counted to me, and that is what put me on the road to you. I’m not saying I don’t have any issues. I am saying that knowing what caused them doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I am not short on insight into my ‘condition’. I know exactly what caused it all. Does it help to know? Nope. Does it make it better in any way? Hell no. Does it make me sick to know? All day, every day.
I’m sorry for the rant, Doc. Overall, you’re great. There are just a couple of issues I have with you and your script pad. If you can’t start understanding more, then I don’t know what to tell you. I love your art, and your shamanesque nature. I wish you’d explore that part of yourself more so that you could share it with people like me on a deeper level. We’d benefit more than you know. If you are just in it for the money, I guess that won’t matter. I’ll figure that out, sooner or later. I will figure you out, Doc.