this, that…the other

Dear Doc,

I can’t wait to see you on Monday, although I’m not quite sure you’ll want to hear what I have to say. I don’t like the new pills. They make me irritable and groggy and blank. Same as the old pills. I hate to tell you negative things about my meds because it seems as though you feel insulted when I do. But, you need to understand that you are only a man, not a god. Though I do feel that you are a very shamanesque human being, I don’t feel that you are evolved enough to tap into that part of yourself fully, as your ego seems to be a bit heavy handed in that regard. No matter…I would rather not take any pills, anyway. Since I ‘have’ to, I’d prefer to try to take some that work better with my brain chemistry, thank you very much.

I’ve learned some lessons since our last session. The main one is that you should take people at face value. If they show you something, especially if it is unflattering, believe that they are showing themselves in true form. If they lie, believe them that they are liars. And, if they seek to use you, do not try to outsmart them, because you cannot. Take the word of the people around you, whether it is spoken to your ears or eyes. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain.

On the other hand, I have been on a spending spree that is going to have to stop. If I told you how much I’ve spent in the last two weeks, you’d choke on it. I can’t even try to justify it. It felt good and that’s why I did it. I will say that half of it was during a semi sleep state, but, I do think I could’ve stopped myself, had I given it a try. Few things feel better than spending money. And, I do good things with my money. I help a lot of people, in the tradition of my mother. I don’ think it’s fair that I feel guilt when I spend on myself, for a change. I refuse to use the word ‘deserve’ in reference to my reason for spending on myself. I don’t deserve anything I have. Nobody does. But I do feel well rewarded and fairly so.

I am trying with everything inside of me to look towards the future with positivity and confidence that I will overcome my solitary disposition, as it were, and find myself able to engage with those around me to the extent that I can, at the very least, grocery shop for myself. Even the thought makes my heart skip a beat and I feel the cold chill of anxiety welling up inside. But it’s not going to win. It may take the battle today, tomorrow and the next, but one day I will prevail. There has simply got to be a shred of the old me left inside, somewhere. And, if there is, I know she wants out. NOW.

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