i learned a lot today. i think it was the best session we’ve had and i thank you for listening and putting up with me. yes, i know it’s your job. and, you are quite well paid, if i must say so, myself. lol! but you…i imagine that you’d be helping people for nothing, had that been the way your life turned out.
my friend, L., called me on the way home from our session. he left the hospital of his own volition because they would not give him all of the morphine he wanted. he’s now decided that the only way to ‘get well’ is to begin to use heroin. HEROIN. i’ll be a sonofabitch… i told him that was not going to work. i reminded him that withdrawal from heroin is worse then those from booze. then, there is the methadone, should you taper off. after that, suboxone. after that…etc… i told him that, no matter what road he took, there was going to be pain involved. he didn’t like that. i don’t blame him. i wouldn’t like that, either. i tried to tell him that you don’t kill a fly with a jackhammer. i guess the next few days will be quite telling. i’ll probably go stay with him tomorrow night and…well, go from there.
as soon as I walked in the door, Mom messaged me. she is in the throws of forcing my bipolar schizophrenic brother to get help. he won’t. he’ll die crazy. i’m glad she refused to allow him to come live with her again, as i’m certain he will do her harm, again. he’s always been a violent man, long before his hallucinations began having real input into his life. i love him, but he’s terrifying and i’m happy that my mother is finally afraid enough to call his bluff, if only for her own safety. she won’t admit to being afraid, but i know she has to be. i’m like her in that way…i can’t stand the thought of being looked at, or feeling like, a victim. it’s funny, though…because she and i have both been victims.
something occurred to me on the way home from your office; some people seem to constantly stumble through life for nothing but the love of gravity. were it not for the falling, no one would rush to pick them up. i don’t think i’m that way. i hate to be helped up. even by you. but, i do recognize when i need help, but only ask for it if the bind i’m in isn’t of my own doing, if that makes sense. i hate it when people just keep on falling. you pick them up so often that you become exhausted from it…sick and weak, even. sometimes, i just just wanna smack people like that right in their face. but…i won’t. because, though i don’t like dogs, i’m a sucker for a lost puppy.
i guess i should try to get to bed now. i just wanted you to know that i appreciate you. and thank you very much for accepting my ‘normal’ mood. i hope to be a shiny happy type one day, but doubt it will ever happen. who knows? i guess it could happen. just not today. that’s all.