It’s a beautiful day, but I can’t seem to get it up to go outside and enjoy it. I hate to pound the same drum all the time, but I just don’t feel life the way I should. I feel so empty, except for this ceaseless sorrow that permeates every cell of my being. I just want to be like I used to be. But, none of us can go back in time.
I decided to get a high school diploma, finally. Online, of course. But, it’s legit and something I’ve always wanted. A GED is ok, but I should’ve graduated. It’s difficult to do that when you are an alcoholic being raised by the same. I don’t discuss that with you because I don’t consider it to be relevant, really. However, there are times when I see the unmitigated relevance of me being a binge drinker and, as often as possible, a daily drunk since I was nine. Even though I don’t consider myself an alcoholic now, and I haven’t lived my adult life as one, I look back on my childhood and I feel terrible for the little girl I was. If I knew of such a child today, I’d move Heaven and Hell to get her out of an environment where she could be drunk as a skid row granddaddy and nobody in her home would even take notice.
That’s been bothering me a lot lately; the fact that I was a straight up alcoholic by the age of 12 and nobody noticed. Per family tradition, I was highly functional, making straight A’s and what have you. But, I was drunk at every available opportunity, of which there were a’plenty. I raised two boys and I promise you that neither one could walk into my home having had a single drink that I would not notice.
Alcohol consumption wasn’t the only thing that went unnoticed; most of which I won’t go into. Academic achievement was all but ignored completely and opportunities to excel beyond my grade, up to the point of beginning college in my early teens, were waved off as though they meant nothing. Looking back, it’s difficult to live with those memories, so I don’t consider them very often. But, I’ll never understand. Never. I was bounced around between schools as often as my grandparents would have a split, which was very often. I don’t even recall the last high school I attended, but I know I quit in tenth grade. So…yep…that’s that.
I am getting a very late start on my day, as I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I got a couple of hours in this morning, but some bad news that I received yesterday seems to have triggered me in a serious way. I don’t feel stable right now. In what way…that’s difficult to describe. I’m shaking and exhausted, but my mind is going a million miles a minute. This is the first that I’ve stopped pacing all day.
I wish I understood what my brain is up to. I still don’t understand how I changed so quickly those long years ago when I had that lil breakdown. I swear…I think I must’ve had a stroke or seizure that I don’t know about. Something…anything…I just need to know what happened. How do you change from one person to another so very quickly? Why was I ‘normal’ on a Friday, and my entire personality was turned upside down by Sunday? Sometimes, I think I was poisoned. Or…I don’t know. B. hated me by then and I often wonder if he did something to me. Because I don’t understand this and I never have. I was beautiful and gracious and kept a perfect home and had friends and parties. Then…I wasn’t. Please help me understand how I became a panic ridden recluse almost overnight.
Most who know me, personally, know that I believe that we live in a multiverse. I think that one explanation for my situation could be that something happened to cause me to slip into an alternate universe and that the ‘me’ I knew is still living her life…happy and beautiful and all of those things…just on the other side of the veil. Could I have experienced a quantum event? My younger brother talks to people who we can’t see, but he can see them. Not only that, they have real input into his life the way that friends do in the lives of most people. Maybe that’s what happened to him, too.
You have to look this up and see what you think. I’m going to bring you a book, next I see you, and I really hope you are open minded enough to consider the insights shared within it. I just have to know WHAT HAPPENED. Nobody changes overnight. They just don’t. Not like this. And, if I’m not living my authentic life, the one I was physically born to, then I need to eliminate this one so that I can go back. That’s all. But I need to know.
Well, Doc, I guess I’ve spilled my guts quite enough for one day. I’m going to try to focus on something long enough to finish it. I don’t know what, but I’ll figure it out.
Till next time…