I slept a full night. As usual, it was a night filled with the darkness of my youth, mocking me as it danced through my dreams. I hate to sleep. Absolutely hate it. Were I not so exhausted, I’d never allow myself so much as the comfort of a bed.
I’m still very shaky today. Nervous and afraid. I need to be able to go take care of some business, but I can’t leave my front door. Not a toe over the trhreshhold. This crap makes me hate myself more with each passing moment. My diet isn’t going very well, either. But I do know how to get a grip on that, at least. I’m just so…I don’t know. Disconnected. Well, disconnected until my finger touches a live wire like going outside of my house. Then, it’s like literally being shocked. And pissed off. And I just keep thinking that this is not really me, I’m just living in someone else’s shell. ‘Me’ is a billionth of a billionth of a shade away from the me who writes these lines. I can feel her, just as if she were right beside me.
I know I’ve explained to you that I feel as though I have a twin out there, somewhere. Well, she’s not out there anymore. She’s near. Closerthanthis. The truth is that she always has been. I can hear her laughing at me and scolding me, sometimes. She hates me. She thinks that I am nothing but an insufferable cry baby and she wants me to get the fuck out of her way. I don’t see that I’m truly in her way. I mean, I know I’m more real in this dimension than she is. But I can still hear her. See her. Feel her. Smell her. The moment she is present, I smell Dahlia and Vines. I hate that scent. She smells like someone dragged her through a field of mismatched flowers behind their truck. Gross. I just hate that perfume and I hate how well it suits her. You’d think my twin would be more like…me. I love sweeter smells like Ciao and Viva la Juicy. OMG! Those two are just yummy! Mmmmm…and Flowerbomb. Yes, please! My signature color is pink; hers is black. My hair is black…she’s a blond. I’m fat, she’s thin. We are total opposites. She looks exactly how I did decades ago. And, since she never had children, she doesn’t have but a few lines on her face. I’d like to jut clock that bitch. How dare she judge me so harshly?
Oh, my…that was quite a rant. I apologize, Doc. I’d be happy to discuss this in session, but I can’t afford to. Perhaps I’ll be able to tell you more once I get insurance. Currently, I have to rate what we discuss based on priority. If it’s not worth four bucks a minute to tell you, you ain’t gonna hear it. lol! I also had an imaginary friend named Abaddon when I was little. His name was Abaddon, but I called him Dino. Dino was funny because he seemed to frighten my grandmother. If I really didn’t want to go somewhere, I’d say that Dino wouldn’t fit in the car and she’d leave me alone about it. I’d pay for it later, as with all else, but in the moment, she’d back off. But, that’s another story for another time, I suppose. In any case, it did feel good to write about my twin…just to talk about her. She’s been shadowing me for my entire life. I tend to think that, since I was conceived right after my mother miscarried twins, either a few cells of one remained living in her womb when I got there, or I was another set of twins and absorbed my wombmate, as it were.
In more pertinent news: Poor Maxine is sitting in the driveway feeling neglected. She looks just as lonely as I am. I need to take her to town for an inspection before her sticker runs out, only I can’t get out of the car to talk to the people who do the inspections. Or anyone else. (J. said he’ll taker her in tomorrow. I really don’t know what I’d do without that kid.) But, my poor baby hasn’t had a good run in a week or more. I don’t run her like I used to because I need some better tires. Also, because I have traffic warrants I can’t pay, as it is. Okay, that’s a lie. I could pay them, but won’t, because the traffic laws are bullshit and I am tired of paying taxes, then having my hand slapped when I safely drive above an arbitrary limit that is only there to propogate more income for the state. I love Texas. If she needs a grand, she could just ask, not send armed enforcement after me.
I’m going to Mom’s house on Friday, I think. My cousin has moved down there recently and I’m going to spend some time with her. That’s going to be fun. Mostly, I’m going to see my dad. He’s so old and he’s really losing it now. I never thought his mind would go the way it has. But my mom does a great job at caring for him. I thank God that he’s got her. She won’t let me take him because I live in such a tiny home and, if he wandered off into the woods…well, he could die. We don’t have police and things up here like they do there. Of course, we have them, but not in large enough numbers to find an old ma lost in the woods. Not to mention what could happen to him if he walked up on a meth lab out there in those trees. Even so, I’d be careful with him, but I understand why Mom feels the way she does.
I guess that’s it, Doc. I need to get busy. This day isn’t going to waste itself!