I’m unwell today. I don’t know why. Things began very nicely, but spun out around noon. Perhaps it was the exchange between my son and I. He is just like his father and speaks to me, more and more often, in the same way. I’m so tired of being called ‘crazy’ and ‘delusional’ when I’m telling truths. Gas lighting. He is an expert at it, as was his father, but I am on to that now. I understand it. Even so, it makes for a difficult and exhausting day to have to sort through that type of mental/emotional flood of pain.
I do feel fortunate today, as my physical pain is quite low. My pain level is at around 5. I cannot recall the last time it was so low. I think it’s because I’ve slept for the last two nights. For many nights prior…not too much, at all. I simply cannot make myself lie down and sleep. There are too many memories wrapped up in my dreams. I know that it seems ridiculous that I cannot face them, but I just can’t. I don’t want to be reminded anymore. I’m feeling so anxious and sad that it’s almost too much to bear. I don’t think it’s worth it, to be honest. Day after day of this millstone ’round my neck, with no end in sight, has worn me down to nearly nothing. And, now, to have my son echoing his father in the way that he does serves as a confirmation, of sorts. One that reinforces my feelings of not being meant to…be.
Yes, I know…melodrama. It’s unintentional, and I feel that melodrama is the essence of the problems I have. Things are bigger and more frightening…ten feet tall are my problems and I feel so small in their shadows. My heart beats out of my chest, begging for sweet release, but I stand strong and won’t allow it. But, my strength is waning, as is my resolve. These are the facts. This is my brain speaking, having grown quite tired of its host.